12/24/2008

Singing Galway Bay

And a merry Christmas to...

My comedy heroes and villians of 2008. First up, thanks Jesse Ryder for bringing character back to NZ cricket. Cheers to Muntadhar al-Zeidi for throwing his shoes at George W Bush, not for comedy value, but to reiterate what a disaster his presidency has been, not just in the US but in Iraq and around the world. Cheers, and we'll miss you, Winston Peters. 10% of my material just got voted into oblivion.

Jeers to the media coverage of Tony Vietch. If you want to remember how to spell his name, "i" before "e" except when he kicks his missus down the stairs. Irene Gardiner, I was on Radio NZ National after you today, and when you argue that the media was harsh on him because he was one of their own, I argue that the circus of wagon circling that has happened since; "he can't work" "he's unwell", etc; is shameful in a culture where the same media people front the "It's not OK" campaign. Guilty or not, he can wait to find out like everyone else.

2008. You can't mention it without mentioning Obama. Bring it on. The finest moment in US history since....
Answers on a postcard please.

Merry Christmas.

11/18/2008

MUSINGS ON THE CUSP OF THE AGE OF JESUS

Blues all round, post election.

It’s the eve of my 33rd Birthday, and I can’t get too worked up about it. I’m still trying to get my head around the last month or so. History was made, and I witnessed it live, via satellite. Barack Obama, the first African American President Elect, the finest orator I’ve seen in my lifetime, the most inspiring political figure I’ve followed since Tony Blair, right there on CNN.
Don’t gasp at the Blair bit either, right up until “Iraq 2”, he was pretty impressive. Ask anyone who witnessed the Easter Accord come about in Northern Ireland.

On the other end of the spectrum in every way, John Key became our new Prime Minister. No surprise, the mood was for change, and as much as I admire what Helen Clark and Labour achieved in the last 9 years, the amount of social piracy the Greens got away with left a bitter taste in even the most socialist mouth.

I must pass onto the audience from my pre-election special in Wellington – nice work on Stephen Franks. The fact that even in what amounts to a landslide, under MMP, that insane prick didn’t get into parliament speaks volumes for Wellington. Now if you can just get the wind barriers up, I might even consider moving there.

Speaking of speaking volumes; any ideas why I was standing and weeping in my living room the moment Obama was elected, and was somewhere outside a house party ignoring the whole deal when Key did? Is it as simple as the historical significance, showmanship and world import of the former, compared to the predictability, drabness and “same shit, different party banner” feel of the latter? Or does it mask some deep seated ambivalence to what happens in my own country’s legislature?

Both.

True, I feel Obama’s election has more importance to my head, wallet and soul.
Let’s be honest, the current issues we’re having economically are really not our fault, and whoever leads us here really won’t make an iota of difference. It’s not our foreign policy, or lack of it, that has led to me having to take my cowboy boots off when I board a domestic flight, or pay a small fortune to drive my car to the airport. And whilst Helen Clark got my vote, and John Key bemused me, neither of them have ever brought me to my feet in the privacy of my home with a well-turned phrase.

On the other hand, maybe my comedy just got a lot easier here at home. It’s far more likely that a center right government will regularly attract my ire and ridicule, and Key’s announcement of a chump cabinet certainly bodes well.

Realistically, though, what could he possibly pull of his beige top hat that will really screw my life around more than Bush did?

Ah well. It’s all over now. There’s a lot more going through my head, but it’ll keep for the next posting. For now, just one piece of advice.
Go buy The Streets’ new album for someone you love.

10/22/2008

Chain Blogging

The Smokers Plight Redux

Following up on my earlier blog entry (On Winter, below) about the rights of smokers to ashtray access, two recent trans Tasman trips have revealed a simple truth; as in so many areas, in the area of addiction management, we can learn from one another.

Trip one was to the Coffs Harbour Buskers and Comedy Festival, in New South Wales. A wonderful little event, with a great bunch of performers aided by a terrific ground team. A big shout out to The Blackstreet Boys, Mark Faje, Patrick McCullough, “Mulletman” and the rest of you, and of course John, Debbie and the crew, good times with the exception of Woolgolga.
Then again, doing a stand up gig as a New Zealander in a pub which refuses to shut off the Warriors humiliation at the hands of Manly on the TV, and with a sound system that only reaches the first half of the room, wasn’t really ever going to be a keeper.

En route though, a wonderful glimmer of reasonableness in the smokefree landscape of nicotine prohibition – after holding off going through customs until the last minute, as usual, I found my need to do so has been nullified. Auckland Airport, in the course of its refurbishments, has put in the Loch Ness Monster of Airport amenities – often rumoured, rarely seen – a smokers’ lounge.
Ten square meters of outside balcony, tucked behind an elevator shaft.
Such a small gesture, but one which ensures that 20 percent of us will be getting through customs on time, boarding in a better mood, and, it really wouldn’t surprise me, drastically lowering the incidence of Air Rage, if the several disturbed individuals I witnessed wandering Melbourne Airport in vain for a similar facility during a delay on trip two are anything to go by.

Melbourne, where I was for a family wedding, (Congratulations again Bri), has enacted measures to prevent the butt waste that I referred to in the earlier post.
They haven’t gone as far as Singapore, (as far as I can tell there are no fines, yet), but wisely enough in a state which hasn’t had any significant rainfall since last century, there is a campaign to discourage flicking fag ends into streets, alleys or bushfire ignition points.
Again, though, it only works because getting to an ashtray isn’t akin to rare bird spotting. Cafes, bars, street corners – all are adequately equipped and gracious about it, whilst most stores sell a cheap, good quality personal ashtray which won’t empty itself into your pocket.

I know this all sounds a bit repetitive. Well, so do your faux-scientific ads claiming that my secondhand smoke will somehow punch you in the face, give you radiation poisoning and sneak into your children’s room at night with nefarious intent, so stop boring me and I’ll stop boring you. Until then, though, let’s reach a détente – don’t make me feel like a pariah and I won’t litter up your backyard.

Deal?

10/9/2008

It must be summer

Cricket has started

So it’s business as usual for the Black Caps. Close to 50 from the openers, then under 20 from the middle order, before Oram and Vettori step up and consolidate, with Mills and Southee to close.

Only problem is, we’re playing Bangladesh.
br> Or is it? The thing to remember is Sri Lanka, a couple of decades ago. Back then, they were the bunnies of international cricket, write offs in all but time. Suddenly, though, they got good. Won a world cup, actually. Funny, considering that there’re millions of potential players, and a genuine passion for the game.

So rock on, green and red.

9/19/2008

Mixed Blessings

NZ Comedy on TV

I hesitated over writing this, as it may be the final nail in my potential television career, but I feel like I have to air something.

I hate the Millen Baird Show. There.

That sounds harsh. Perhaps I should be a little more specific.

I hate one fundamental aspect of the Millen Baird Show.
It’s well acted. The camera work is pretty solid, the lighting works, and the production values aren’t too shabby.
It’s just, well, it’s meant to be a character comedy show, right? So let’s nail it in take three.

I hate the character comedy in the Millen Baird Show.

The characters, well acted as they may be, are bland, derivative and one dimensional.
Those that aren’t blatantly stolen from “The Fast Show”, “The Comedy Company” or Harry Enfield, are such outdated New Zealand stereotypes that far from being retro or postmodern, they’re basically internet jokes given wardrobe and makeup.

Don’t believe me? I’m a big believer in “give them enough rope”.
Here’s a sampling of the actual character descriptions, freely downloadable from Millen’s website. The spelling, grammar and linguistic redundancies (fraternal twin brothers, anyone?) are all faithfully reproduced.

SKIP, THE NETWORK MARKETER
Forced out of a nearby town he used to live in, Skip has now moved to Paua Point where he has begun terrorizing the locals with his unique, no scruples sales techniques. His catchphrase is “Gidday Maaaaaaaate”.

SHIRLEY THE DOG WALKER
Shirley is a ‘manly’ looking female dog walker who can’t be arsed walking her clients dogs.

HORSE AND SOUTHERN MAN
Horse is the heroic, gay captain of the Paua Point rugby team. He has deep affections for the team’s first five eighths, ‘Southern Man’.

RAJEEV AND SANJAY
Rajiv and Sanjay are two Fraternal Indian twin brothers who run the local dairy.

THE POMS
The Vindaloos are an English family on holiday in NZ touring round Paua Point in a campervan.

THE SCHOOL MUMS
The School Mums are a small group of women constantly fighting each other over whose child is more superior.

SIONE
Sione is a gang member with an extremely high I.Q.

XENA AND TINA
Xena and Tina are the local barflies who are constantly complaining about the man drought.

Any questions? Join the queue.
I must say, good on TV3. It does appear that the 15 year drought of scripted NZ Comedy on the small screen is well and truly over. All of it deserves kudos, even “Welcome to Paradise” on Prime, which the network were brave enough to champion for another (unmade) season. But again, let’s get back to basics. Let actors act, let producers produce, but for the love of whatever God you want to imagine, let comedians write.
At least that way you’ll get something original.
“A Thousand Apologies” is pretty average, but at least it’s average in its own way, A few of the skits are actually funny. The remainder fail on their own merit, not by comparison to overseas comedy show from a decade ago.

Perhaps, for now, that’s enough.

9/1/2008

On Winter

A belated return to the fold

Well, it’s been pointed out by more than one of you that I haven’t exactly kept this blog up to date. True enough. To be honest, it’s been an up and down year, and trying to find something to get fired up about enough to splash it all over the internet has been a struggle. I know I shouldn’t complain, but this winter seems to have gone on forever. I just returned from a week playing gigs in the Ski towns – Ohakune, National Park, Queenstown and Wanaka – good times had, beautiful places to be, but damn cold, especially as I remain a stubborn member of the hated minority of our times, a smoker.
Okay, so it’s a bad habit, and you got your way and banished us outside, but damn, there are a few of us, would the occasional patio heater be too much of a stretch? And while we’re at it, maybe hit the two dollar shop and buy a couple of ashtrays. Just because we’re happily killing ourselves doesn’t mean we like littering. In Singapore, it’s a $1000 fine for throwing your butt in the street. Sounds rough, maybe, until you realize they have provided ashtrays at about every ten paces. You’d have to be a special kind of lazy to ditch your fag ends anywhere else – and we may be puffed, but we aren’t all lazy.

A big thanks to everyone who turned up to the gigs, except to the tedious woman in National Park who for some reason thought she was entitled to question my motives for living in Auckland. Now, this kind of small minded arrogance is not as common as it once was, and I grew up in the deep South, so I do understand that many people don’t like my current home town. But I do. Sure, in my line of work it’s a necessity to live in a larger centre, what with the location of comedy clubs, corporate bookers, agents and so on, but believe it or not most of us actually enjoy the extra people, diverse goings on and yes, even the traffic. National Park is a lovely place, but quite frankly, if I lived there I’d be one bad mood away from going all Raurimu on your asses. I’m a city boy, through and through. Deal with it. Don’t just walk up to me after I’ve finished work and lay into what you perceive to be my “attitude” based on nothing more than the fact that I live and work in somewhere with a population of more than four figures. It says a lot more about your own narrow perspective and unwillingness to embrace diversity than it does about mine.

Today is, by all accounts, the first official day of spring. Let it be so.

3/23/2008

Long time no read...

So how are ya?

Hey all,
Sure, it's been a while since I wrote here. Been a good year thus far, what with the World Buskers Festival (Juggly) and Orientation (very young) under the belt already, and a new solo show just round the corner. "12 Steps" opens in Dunedin on April 1st - the first time I've done the fringe, so if I haven't seen you in a while, come down! Then it's Wellington and Auckland.

So not much to say, really, just letting you know I'm back.

10/30/2007

A Modest Proposal On Keeping Everyone Happy

See also www.getfrank.co.nz

With all the kerfuffle over the recent police raids, and the threatened use of anti-terrorism laws, it seems to me that a whole lot of different groups may just be a little peeved; either at how such operations are conducted, or at the response to them. Perhaps, then, it’s time for a common sense look at how we can keep everyone happy, and still maintain a rule of law within our little, divided community. So, I propose that we immediately adopt the following 9 point plan:

1. Any and all persons who take issue against any or all policies of any or all governments will announce so in a peaceful, non obstructive manner. I would suggest an essay, of no fewer than 600 words, entitled “Why (GE/Crown Law/Animal Exploitation/Insert Grievance Here) Makes Me Grumpy.”

2. From here on in, whenever they arrest anyone, for anything, the police will consult with the suspects’ friends and family first. Not only will this avoid any cultural or civil rights violations, but in the event that the proposed arrestee doesn’t think he’s guilty, it will give him time to get away.

3. In addition to consultation, the police will publish a full list of every charge, piece of evidence or surveillance finding no less than one week in advance of their planned operation. This, again, allows the suspected, and all of their associates, to destroy any proof of involvement without the hassle of being caught whilst doing so.

4. All protest events must be cleared under the Resource Management Act prior to being undertaken.

5. Any politician who wishes to propose a bill to parliament, or question an existing law, will have to go three rounds with Trevor Mallard in the House foyer prior to being admitted to the debating chamber.

6. All land ownership throughout New Zealand will automatically revert to whoever is standing on it at the time.

7. Firearms will only be sold to persons providing a valid firearms license, background check, DNA sample, polygraph test and sworn pledge of allegiance to their choice of Diana, Roman Goddess of hunting and chastity, or Diana, Princess of Wales (deceased).

8. All off the cuff statements from involved parties which contain the words “Apartheid”, “Holocaust”, “Genocide” and “Fascist State” will be taken with a grain (approx 0.001 grams) of salt.

9. All judges, juries and educated commentators will be replaced by talkback radio callers and bloggers, including your humble author, thus saving everyone the time and expense of a fair trial and hearing both sides of the story.

10/16/2007

Urban Subversion Part 2

From www.getfrank.co.nz

URBAN SUBVERSION. A GUIDE TO CONTEMPORY STAND UP COMEDY PART TWO – SELLING OUT WITH STYLE

In the first part of this series, I outlined just a few of the edgier comics working on the scene today. However good they may be, they are still essentially underground comics in the sense that you won’t see a lot of them on TV, and you’d think twice about taking a first date along to a show. Despite the bleatings of certain parts of society, and perhaps despite my own tastes, stand up comedy is not all about shock, obscenity or anger, and not all so-called “mainstream” comedy is dull and predictable. Clean does not automatically equal clever, but at the same time, mainstream success doesn’t necessarily mean dumbed-down.

One comic who bridges the gap between the two worlds is Louis C.K. A late bloomer, Louis was a writer on the Conan O’Brien Show for several years before branching out to perform in his own right. He was the breakout act at this years’ Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal, an invitation-only event that has produced some of the biggest stars in the business. Mixing social observation with the occasional burst of stuff that he would never have been able to broadcast on Conan, he’s one to watch over the coming years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4evqM8eookM

The same can be said of Ireland’s Dara O’Briain. A consummate storyteller, and master of audience interaction, Dara has, in the last few years, come from relative obscurity outside Ireland to becoming one of the U.K.’s most successful comics and TV presenters. He’s even rumoured to be Michael Parkinson’s replacement when the legendary chat show host retires in the next few weeks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPh8zr0ddek

Television has been a mixed blessing for many comedians. It’s undeniably the best way to raise your profile, however so many comics have ended up working on shows which do their live acts no justice at all, that it can ruin a reputation as quickly as it can bolster one. Think about Ricky Gervais, who never performed live until after the success of The Office (and makes a pretty good fist of it on his first two DVD’s, Animals and Politics) or Bob Saget, who I can assure you is still a fine (albeit filthy) live act, if you can get past the abominations of Full House or America’s Funniest Home Videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oO1YW0p23Jc

Every now and then, though, shows do come along that give excellent acts the exposure they so richly deserve. Black Books showcases two of the best in Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey. Another Irishman, Moran, who toured NZ earlier this year, mixes the surreal with the razor-sharp. A fantastic writer, his wine-soaked shows are well worth buying tickets to, or copies of.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4l6adI3quk

Bailey, who has also graced the NZ International Comedy Festival stages more than once, mixes his deep intellect, musical virtuosity (he was a child prodigy pianist, apparently), and druid-like appearance to perform solo shows unlike any you will see from anyone else. Check out his recent DVD Part Troll and tell me I’m wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EDuK46ZqFM

Staying with the surreal and multi-talented, Maria Bamford has been a huge hit in Australia, but has thus far slipped under the radar on our side of the ditch. A talented voice artist, actress and, obviously, stand up, she’s well overdue a visit here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_zzOtrK0io

And finally, until these and other great international acts come over, there are plenty of locals who won’t offend your intelligence, or your sensibilities. Paul Ego, Jeremy Corbett, Dai Henwood and Vaughan King are all names to watch out for.

USEFUL LINKS, MORE VIDEOS, MERCHANDISE AND MORE OFFICIAL SITES

www.louisck.com
www.myspace.com/daraobriain
www.billbailey.co.uk
www.mariabamford.com

9/23/2007

Urban Subversion Part One

Originally written for www.getfrank.co.nz

WARNING - VIDEO CONTENT MAY OFFEND. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

There are really three types of stand up comedy fans. Those who think live comedy peaked with Kevin Bloody Wilson’s last album, and ended with the death of Bernard Manning; those who are happy to watch Ellen and Seinfeld rehash the same cutesy jokes they’ve been trading off for years, and think Billy Connolly is a genius who swears too much; and finally those who want a bit more from their stand up, aren’t afraid to risk being offended in the search for some genuine thought and craft, and actually want to hear something new when they go to a club. To be brief, the first lot are of no interest to me whatsoever, and the second are well catered for by reruns and early evening sitcoms. Whilst Seinfeld, Connolly, DeGeneres et al are great at what they do, it’s the third type of fan who keep the scene fresh, although even many of them, unfortunately, seem to think their preferred style of comedy died with Bill Hicks.

If you’re unfamiliar with Bill Hicks, he has, posthumously, become the poster boy for so-called “shock” comedy. Brilliant, acerbic, edgy, Hicks was the quintessential angry young man, throwing out observations on politics, sex, topical events and human frailty in ways ranging from the sublime to the sick. In particular, his material on the first Gulf War is uncannily applicable to the current conflict, sixteen years on. Even the names are the same, just add another initial to the Bush in question.

Hicks wasn’t the first by any means – his own act was unquestionably influenced by the equally late, equally great Sam Kinison, and is part of a great tradition stretching from Lenny Bruce and Mort Sahl through George Carlin and Richard Pryor - but if you want to hear what good stand up can really be, he’s a great starting point. More importantly, Hicks was in no way the last of his kind. There are plenty of great comics working today who you’ll never see on Letterman, but who are pushing the boundaries of thought, craft and comedy writing.

Like singer/songwriters who came after Bob Dylan, many comics are burdened with the ingenuous “Next Bill Hicks” tag. This is simply lazy journalism in most cases, diluting what these artists have achieved in their own right, however, if there is a comic working today who most represents the ideas of free thought, resistance to ignorance and comedy by any means necessary that Hicks represents, it would be Doug Stanhope. Not for the faint hearted, Massachusetts native Stanhope is a hard drinking, hard thinking advocate for freedom in all things – he was until recently running as a Libertarian Party presidential candidate in the U.S. primaries – and his material covers just about anything and everything that human beings do to each other, and to themselves.

Stanhope is also a big campaigner for similar minded stand up acts who may not get the exposure they deserve, especially in the US. To this end, he has started “The Unbookables”, a group dedicated to exposing and promoting hard edged, original standup.
www.theunbookables.com

No less controversial, Australian-born, UK based Jim Jeffries is rapidly establishing himself as a leading light on the world scene. Certainly his reputation wasn’t hurt by a video of him being assaulted onstage at the Manchester Comedy Store this year, a perfect example of how comedy can be literally a risky business.

This incident aside, though, Jeffries is a no-holds barred act who mixes shock value with great writing and firmly held beliefs.

Another UK based Aussie, Brendon Burns won the 2007 if.comeddie award (formerly the Perrier) at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Brendon is an interesting case, originally known for his high-octane, deliberately shocking club sets, he has evolved into one of the finest solo-show exponents working in the UK.

This evolution was brilliantly documented in his “Brendon vs. Burnsie” trilogy, and this years’ award-winner, “So I Suppose This is Offensive Now”. Coincidentally, he also happens to be one of the most generous people, on a performer to performer basis, that it has been my pleasure to work with.

And for those of you who still, for some unknown, unproven, uninspired form of misogyny believe that good comedy is a male-only domain, try telling that to Sarah Silverman.

Also worth looking up are clips from “The Sarah Silverman Show”, which has already, in it’s first season, caused controversy over a sketch in which she has a one night stand with a black Jesus.

For an insight into why comics love this stuff, rent or buy The Aristocrats, directed by Paul Provensa. You may not laugh as much as we do, but it’s worth a try.

Obviously, these are just a few of the edgier acts working today, and I realise they won’t be to everyone’s taste. So in part two of this series, I’ll profile a few of the equally brilliant, but perhaps more mainstream or palatable acts out there in stand-up land. Till then, why don’t you try seeing some of our locals live, you may be surprised at the quality we have within our own shores. If the above acts do tickle your fancy, may I recommend checking out locals Brendhan Lovegrove, Michele A’Court and, if I do say so myself, myself.

Related Links: More Video, Gig Guides, Reviews, DVD’s and More Offical sites: www.billhicks.com www.dougstanhope.com www.myspace.com/jimjeffries www.myspace.com/brendonburns www.myspace.com/brendhanlovegrove www.micheleacourt.com www.myspace.com/jeremyelwood Useful Sites: www.chortle.co.uk - great UK based website for current comedy. www.theworldstandsup.com – video of a wide range of comics. www.comedy.co.nz – Live standup in Auckland, 4-5 nights a week. http://www.myspace.com/wellingtoncomedy – Live standup in Wellington, every Thursday.

8/28/2007

The Joys Of Dressing Down and Staying Home

Again, reprinted from www.getfrank.co.nz

Each week, members of the NZ Comedy Guild write a blog for www.getfrank.co.nz Go there and read them all, but my own contributions will be resposted here. Like the following....

The Joys Of Dressing Down and Staying Home

Flick through any fashion magazine, makeover show or blogsite, and you’re likely to have little difficulty finding advice on how to dress up. From “Hot or Not” lists to personal shoppers and image consultancy, it seems anyone with spare time in the day and a gold card is happy to tell you what to wear, where to go and how to wear it when you get there. Which is fine, if going out is your thing. But for those of us who think a night off is not having to get dressed and go out, where’s our helpline?

Dressing down and staying in is possibly the highlight of my week. Seeing as I work on stage, at night, that may not be surprising – I have a DVD collection to rival Blockbuster, a wood burner, and a leather sofa, all combining to make it increasingly difficult to see the appeal of going to a crowded bar playing music I don’t like, or even worse, big screen sports. Especially now that I have to smoke outside, but that’s another article. What does surprise is that the world seems to think that nights off just happen. No, my slothful friends; like a good home brew, you get out what you put in. What to wear, what to watch, how to get through it without unnecessary interruption – these questions have never been answered in print. Until now.

THE OUTFIT

Every man has a drawer, usually filled to the point that closing it is a feat of Herculean dimensions, in which he keeps the clothes he will only wear at home. The cotton boxer sorts, one size too big, with a hole or two in unfortunate places. The sweatshirt which lost its shape years ago. The torn, baggy, jeans. I call these my Manjamas. You can put them on, go to the bottle store, sit in them all night, then sleep in them, and feel cocooned from an outside world in which the usual assumption of anyone wearing such a getup would be “I hope he doesn’t flip out if I don’t give him any change.” These are the uniform for the night at home, the armour that protects from any urge to do something more social with your evening.

THE MOVIE

If you have a girlfriend, the choice of DVD will vary depending on whether she’s in the house with you or not. If she is, go for something clever, witty, slick. Forget the stereotype of being forced to watch some Drew Barrymore crap (how no one has seen through her surface inanity to the true vacuous ness beneath is a constant source of consternation) or tear jerk romance – women like a good thriller as much as we do. However, if you’re home alone, delve deep into your hidden shallowness and remember the films that got you excited, back before you cared what Leonard Maltin thought. Think Highlander and Blade, James Cameron (anything EXCEPT the one about the boat) and Ridley Scott, Schwarzenegger and Stallone. Tune in, turn on, drop out.

THE INTERRUPTIONS

Short of turning off the phones, buying one of those Laz-Y-Boys with the beer fridge in the armrest (which, by the way, should have earned their inventor a Nobel Prize) and having a catheter inserted, you are going to have to get up now and again. Don’t sweat it; this in what pause buttons were made for. However, there’s no need to make it more distracting than it has to be. I suggest finding the best position on the couch, then laying a bottle opener, bowl of snacks, telephone and remote controls within easy arms reach. That way, you can travel in a straight line to the bathroom or fridge without detours, and answer emergency calls without moving more than a few inches.
On that topic, cold-callers can ruin a night, not just through the interruption, but by filling your head with a desire to call them back and hurl abuse down the line. Get rid of them as fast as you can, but have some fun while you do it. A friend swears by pretending to be intellectually challenged, while my favourite is to listen to the pitch and then interrupt with something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I would genuinely prefer to slam my nuts in a car door than attend your seminar, so I’m off to do that.” Then hang up and think of the look on their faces.

Then you can settle back into your torn, comfortable clothing, open another beer, and get back to watching Christopher Lambert kicking ass. Enjoy.

8/8/2007

The Return Of The C-Word

Originally written for www.getfrank.co.nz

I hope by the time this is printed that I’m around to read it. After years of priding ourselves on our support of free speech, it seems that New Zealand is slipping backwards, following the likes of the US Federal Communications Commission into the murky quagmire of censorship. In recent weeks, Parliament has drafted a Parliamentary Spending Bill that has the potential to restrict legitimate protest through financial and bureaucratic hurdles and outlined measures to curtail the use of images from the new in-house television coverage to “show MP’s in a bad light or for the purposes of satire”. Although the three major television networks have vowed to ignore the latter, TVNZ have just sacked a security guard for telling Christine Rankin he disagreed with her opinions as a Breakfast guest. And underlying all of this, the ancient and (according to many legal scholars) obsolete law of Sedition has been revived and used at least twice in recent years. So it seems perfectly reasonable to assume that on publication of this article, I’ll be dragged from my bed with a bag over my head and you’ll all be left wondering when I’m coming back from the shops.

Okay, so that’s a little pessimistic. But the examples above are worrying. Especially during the times we live in, when the speed of communication can take anyone’s manifesto around the world in the time it takes to upload a webpage, and where unopposed opinion can and has lead to war, we need open discourse and free exchange of ideas more than ever before.

The Christine Rankin case is a perfect example. She was given a national platform for her own personal opinions, in this case on child abuse and family values. She was allowed to express her views, essentially unopposed, and through the medium of television those views were beamed into people’s homes and therefore greater consciousness. Fair enough. Whether you agree with her or not, she’s entitled to her point of view, and if someone wants to put it on TV, all power to them. And anyone who wishes to disagree with her has the same rights, right? Apparently not. It transpires that after the broadcast, backstage somewhere, a long-serving staff member at TVNZ remarked that he found her statements “over the top.” As a result, he lost his job. Bear in mind this is off-screen, out of the public eye, and, from all I can gather, in private. I don’t know if he was overheard by someone senior, or if she complained about the incident herself (although if I cast your mind back over Ms. Rankin’s history, particularly the WINZ debacle, I’m willing to hazard a guess) but does it really matter? If our state broadcaster is firing people for their opinions off screen, what hope can we hold out for a balanced view on screen?

The same applies to the proposed restrictions on parliamentary coverage and spending. If the proposed spending bill goes through, it is well within the realm of possibility that anyone planning to protest any article of parliamentary business will have to either sign an affidavit pledging to spend no more than $5000 on organization, or register as a political party, put names and addresses on placards, and ensure everyone on the march is over 18 and a NZ citizen. If an MP were to strip naked and declare he was abducted by aliens on the floor of the debating chamber, any network who aired the footage could face legal action, depending on whether the footage made the MP look foolish or not. And as a bar owner in Dunedin found out not so long ago, running a tongue in cheek promotion based on the odd habit of student couch burning can result in a charge that is akin to trying to overthrow the government.

The irony is, if anyone were to just come out and declare censorship, we’d be up in arms about it. It’s the way these things are creeping in under the cover of other intentions that is most disturbing. The spending bill, for example, was originally designed to prevent the kind of secret donations that led to the Exclusive Brethren scandal which toppled Don Brash, and as such, I support it wholeheartedly. It’s when the various additions, exemptions and caveats pile up to form a barrier to free speech that we should start to get fidgety. It may sound paranoid, but is it really such a big leap from registering a protest to forming a blacklist, from restricting what you can and can’t show on TV to media manipulation, or from sedition charges to outlawing dissent?
Okay, and I also think Kennedy was shot by more than one man, but hey, I’m entitled to my opinion, and they haven’t found a way to censor the blogosphere, or live comedy. Yet. Until they do, I can only hope that those who have opinions, whatever they may be, are not too scared to express them, regardless of who’s listening. And if you disagree with me, feel secure in telling me so. I promise I won’t get you sacked.

6/12/2007

Socrates Sighed

What happened to intelligent debate in this countr

Over the course of the last year or so, it seems that we have thrown out the art of intelligent debate in favour of soundbite simplification, regardless of the seriousness of the issue or dubious nature of the argument. Take the current stoush over getting unhealthy foods out of school cafeterias and tuckshops. In a nutshell, the government wants schools to stock healthy options, such as wraps and sandwiches, as opposed to pies and chips. Cue the hollering - “Nanny State!”, “Pressure on Schools!”, “Right to Choose!” Okay. So the current government has been more than a little interventionist. I agree. The anti smoking bill, anti smacking bill, road toll proposals – no argument here. But all of those had one thing in common. They affected adults. (Yes, even the anti-smacking bill, get over yourself.) And every one of those issues has elicited its fair share of idiotic discourse, on both sides. Smokers were “murderers”, too stupid to help themselves and too cruel to care about others. Opponents to section 59 were “child-beaters”, looking for legal protection for their desire to kick some serious toddler butt. Proponents of it were “vigilantes”, trying to throw every parent and Christian in the country to the lions. Back and forth it all went, with the biggest label winning every time. This current debate, however, takes it all to a whole new low.

One in three of the children in this country are overweight or obese. You’ve seen them, don’t deny it. So maybe it’s not such a bad idea to have one place, somewhere they go on a daily basis, where their dietary options don’t include fried foods. Disagree? Fine. Tell me why. Because here’s where the intelligent debate gets held down with the baby in the bathtub, and drowned. To date, every argument I’ve heard against the proposal, from Katherine Rich to the Principals Association, have included one or more of the following claims:

1. That children should have the right to choose what they eat.

Why? Since when? How many of us grew up choosing every meal we had? How many of us raise our kids that way? Do they buy the groceries? No. Do they cook the meals? No. So who the hell says they get to design the menu? If you think kids are smart enough to choose healthy options, take a group of 10 year olds to your local mall, and let them loose in the foodcourt with a tenner each. Tell them they can have whatever they want, and just see what comes back. Sure, there are healthy options on offer - find me a mall without a sushi joint in it, and I’ll show you a town you really should move out of – but sushi joints don’t advertise to kids, every day, on every available medium. They don’t do meal deals with a free toy. They don’t sponsor kids events. Once kids do get to an age when they should be allowed, and encouraged, to make their own educated food choices, they’re also old enough to pack their own lunch.

2. Children pass so many dairies and fast-food outlets on their way to and from school, that they’ll be eating bad food anyway.

Okay, decent point, in a different argument. It’s not as if this law is going to cause a boom in the dairy building business. They already DO pass these places. One more reason, as far as I can see, why there should be ONE place where they CAN’T buy chips and pies.

3. That rather than eating at school, they’ll just leave and walk to said fast food places instead.

Don’t we have truancy rules anymore, or has that gone out with sensible academic testing and career guidance? Again, if the kids are old enough to leave school grounds, they’re probably old enough to make their own choices. Fair enough. At the very least, they’ll have to walk somewhere to get their pies, rather than just roll from the classroom to the canteen. On the other hand, if they’re able to do this already, what’s going to change?

4. That we should focus on education rather than legislation to tackle the issue of childhood obesity.

Sure, just like we have done with drink driving and smoking in bars. And, as I said above, they were all laws aimed at adults, who should be and are able to make an educated decision about how they live their lives, or end them if it comes to that. (Don’t even attempt to get me started on the arguments against Abortion or Euthanasia). The truth is, we are flooding the market with education, and it isn’t working. Find me a days primetime television, or a magazine, or newspaper, which doesn’t have a sizable percentage of coverage on how to eat, why we get fat, or how we’re generally all a bunch of slobs. And at the same time, find me any of the above which don’t also contain several adverts for the kind of food that leads to said slobbishness.

The fact is, noone is trying to ban bad foods, even at schools. There are no moves to search lunchboxes, so feel free to keep packing your kids bags with chips, softdrinks and processed “cheese”. But here’s an idea. Why not let them, once in a while, buy something that’s reasonably healthy. Something with a vegetable in it, that hasn’t seen the inside of a deep fryer or sat in a warmer for nine or ten hours. Not every day, obviously. Just for a special treat. You never know, they might get a taste for it.

I’d better go, Anton Oliver is complaining about wind farms on National Radio. I have to go slam my head in the oven until I go deaf.

5/16/2007

Critic vs Commercial

The Paradox of A Festival

So I’m part way through the Auckland season of “Passport Control”, and it’s been a fascinating experience thus far. The audiences have been great, the show has found it’s flow, the critics don’t like it at all (notable exception – lumiere in Wellington), and I’ve found the whole thing cathartic.

The main criticism (outlined twice, by the same website) has been that it’s not all funny. Guess what? That was the idea. I’ve been saying for years that I personally don’t think “comedy” is all about “jokes”. There’s a wonderful irony in the critics, who have in the past blasted various shows for simply being a string of gags with no real substance, to now turn on a show because it has moments of, quote, “poignancy”. These are new reviewers, who both have admitted in print that they don’t know much about comedy, (which begs the obvious question, what the hell are they doing reviewing it? Would you send an opera expert to review a metal gig?) so perhaps there’s a learning process that needs to be undergone in that “stand-up” and “comedy” are umbrella terms, and you really need to leave your preconceptions at the door. These aren’t sour grapes, by the way, I appreciate any and all feedback, and whilst I think you have missed the point, you’re entitled to do so.

In terms of the show itself - if you’re expecting an hour of stand-up, and I am aware that a certain percentage of my audience to date have been, then you may be disappointed. No apologies, I’ll probably do one of those again next year, or feel free to come along to any other gig I do during the fest – late shows, the convoy, whatever. However, there are a number of shows in this festival, as there were last year, which are trying to use the format of an hour-long performance to dig a little deeper than that. Ash Kilmartin, Jamie Bowen, Sam Wills – all great comics doing brave shows, which more than likely will surprise and confuse more than a handful of people. Good. Hopefully they’ll get more than a cursory write-off, as they all deserve a more thorough inspection.

5/14/2007

Ahh Wellington

You can't beat it on a good week.

Having just finished the opening week of "Passport Control" in Wellington, I can happily say that I'd take every one of the sold-out audience members back to somewhere warmer with me. I do love Wellington, but jesus that wind has to go.

Great week at BATS - my first season there in some number of years. Every town should have a theatre like this one; independent, supportive, and supported. Taking a show there is like going to a favourite restaurant - you know the service is going to be good, you're getting to know at least a few of the other diners, and if it's full there's still a feeling that your table is being held.

I've had the flu, (honestly, I have, rather than some kind of self inflicted ailment as one reviewer suggested. What is it with the comedy fest reviews this year focusing mainly on what comics are wearing and how they live their lives than the work? Did the Woman's Weekly take over Arts Criticism while we were all distracted?) but things are drying up, and I'm looking forward to Auckland.

See you there.

5/1/2007

Singapore vers. 3.0

And into the fest we go...

I just returned from a third trip to the best little comedy house in South East Asia – The 1NiteStand in Singapore. Damn, but they run a great gig. Four nights, four encores, great crowds, great staff. Anyone wanting tips on how to do a nigh on perfect comedy night, invest in a ticket and go see how the pros do it.

After the humidity, bright lights and cheap electronics, I’m back in NZ and gearing up for the NZ International Comedy Festival. The show is ready, and quite frankly I’m both excited and nervous about it. What’s new? Well, the whole damn show, actually. It’s kind of intimidating to be writing about myself, my life, my influences; rather than picking holes in everyone elses as I’ve attempted in previous shows. If you’ve seen my work before, this will be something quite different – but not in a bad way, I hope! Hope to see you there, and a big thanks to Adrian and the 1NiteStand crew for a perfect run in to the fest.

4/8/2007

NEW SHOW!

On Sale Right Now!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

3/19/2007

It's only a game

Albeit a good one.

It’s been famously described by Robin Williams as “Baseball on Valium”. Groucho Marx once asked, several hours into a game, when it was going to start. It is regularly called “boring”, oddly enough by fans of football, a game in which ninety minutes with no goals is a regular occurrence; or rugby, a game best described to me by Simon McKinney, who as a child believed its only rules were “run, run, run, fall down.” However, the drama surrounding the 2007 Cricket World Cup, particularly the tragedy of the last 24 hours, should convince many that whatever the sport may lack in pace, it more than makes up for in passion.

Six sixes in an over. The fastest one day 50 in history. Part time players beating the pros, with superstar laden teams such as India and Pakistan humbled by Bangladesh and Ireland. Sadly, it seems that the latter result has lead, however directly, to the retirement from one day cricket of one of the finest players to ever play it, and the death of his coach, Bob Woolmer, aged 58. Ironically, it was Woolmer who stood up for the inclusion of teams such as the Irish in an article published on the very morning that they would go on to knock his side out of contention. Players such as Ricky Ponting have been shooting their mouths off about playing lesser units being a waste of time and energy, but writing for cricinfo.com, Woolmer expressed a belief that only by broadening the scope of international cricket to include emerging nations, in regular competition with the established powers, would the game truly continue to thrive. The result of the St. Patrick’s Day game simply proves how right he was. He was an innovative coach, who looked to the future through the challenges of the present. He will be missed.

Pakistan is, and has been for some time, a troubled team. Filled with enormous talent backed up by enormous ego, they have been so unpredictable over the last few seasons that frankly, losing to anyone shouldn’t have been too much of a surprise. However, in a part of the world where cricketers are akin to gods, the ensuing fury at home, with calls for the management to be sacked, and even for players bank accounts to be frozen, is not surprising either. The pressure which must mount on everyone involved, when officials say they have serious concerns for the players safety when they return home – something has to give. For Inzamam-Ul-Haq, it was his job. As for Woolmer, Inzamam himself, speaking of his retirement at a press conference that has been criticised, stupidly, for insensitive timing, said "After the match, we'd talked a little about it. I told him that we'd discuss it tomorrow, but tomorrow never came."

However Bob Woolmer died, (and we won’t know for a while, if ever) it would be ingenuous to suggest that the pressure didn’t directly contribute. And no one, ever, should have to die over a game.

The tributes are flowing, and the world cup will carry on. Pakistan have one final game, against Zimbabwe, a nation whose troubles should really put the idea of lynching someone over a team sport into perspective. Cricket will continue to be the only sport I genuinely follow, replete as it is with surprises, emotion, history and heartbreak, all of which have been on display during this tournament. And I will continue to be anything but bored.

3/17/2007

St Patricks Day

All together now....

Seeing as I'm doing a show about it in the upcoming comedy fest, ("Passport Control", dates and times are on my profile, bookings open March 22nd), I figure its time to start examining my nationality, or lack of it. Certain events bring out certain sides - for example, when it comes to breakfast and winters, like Molsen, I Am Canadian. When it comes to text-language, I come over all English public school and reply with grammatical corrections. When it comes to pillaging and looting, my Danish roots tend to come to the fore, and on March 17th, bejesus but I remember the Irish in me.

Yes, I drink Guinness on a regular basis, but there's something about it today that just feels right. However, I'll probably start with a couple in the sanctity of my own home, and then go to a pub that I would actually visit on other days of the year. In other words, if you're planning on wearing a silly hat, painting yourself green or going ANYWHERE on a "Party Bus", stay the fuck out of my way.

As a general outline of how the day will most likely pan out, in traditional Irish fashion I'll get drunk, tell a few jokes (yes, it's a workday), sing a few out-of- tune songs that are offensive to at least half the people around me, and get maudlin about a past I don't really remember, or properly understand. I may even punch someone, but only out of love.

So to all of you with a touch of the peat in your hearts, Slainte, may the road rise, and see you at the bottom.

3/5/2007

Home at last

And not too soon

Hey all. If you've been wondering why I haven't been blogging, the answer is, I have. Just not here. I had some trouble updating this on my trip, for some reason, so you can catch up at www.myspace.com/jeremyelwood if you really want to.

Suffice to say, it was a great little sojourn. Gigs at Jongluers, the London Comedy Store, The Stand in Edinburgh, The LA Comedy Store (on Oscar night, no less, but to basically only a bunch of comics who couldn't get into the Kodak Theatre, so not nearly as glamourous as it sounds) and Yuk Yuks in Vancouver, plus a recording for "The World Stands Up", which you may see if you live in the UK, US or Australia, and have Paramount Comedy on cable.
Great to see those of you that I saw, and it is good to be home. I really slipped back into the travelling alone mode that I thought I'd left years ago - a mix of only wanting my own company, and being slightly sick of same. But regardless, a great trip.

So now, NZ. The Comedy Fest is just round the corner, and I'm working on a whole new show, so keep checking back, and I'll hopefully see you all soon.

2/3/2007

Surreal Paradise

Stand up in the Sun

So, I spent yesterday tooling around Tortola, in the British Virgin Islands, in a topless Jeep with a 6'7'' Aussie Comedian, two musos, and a Neil Diamond impersonator. What a way to make a living.

For those of you who don't know, I'm on a Carribean cruise, doing three shows over seven days, and seeing a part of the world I've only ever read about in old Ian Fleming novels. It may be the most beautiful part of the planet I've ever seen. Water so clear you can't believe it's even seen human contact, blue skies, sun, palm trees - this is paradise. Sure, parts of the towns are tourist filled craphouses, but like anywhere else, get off the track a bit and you\re in a whole new world.

Sorry to rave, but you ain't here.

First two gigs are tonight, so we'll see how loudly I have to sing for my supper (24 hour buffet, a masterpiece of bland), but for now, I'm off for a Red Stripe.

1/4/2007

That's that, then.

2006: A Belated Farewell

I know it’s the 4th already, but quite frankly it’s taken me a week to get my head around the last 12 months. I’m relieved to see the back of 2006, even if I can’t quite tell you why. In general, it was a good year for me, with successful seasons in Melbourne, Adelaide, Wellington, and to a certain degree, Auckland, during the various festivals, and a nice ending to the year with the “Gag of The Year” gong at the NZ Comedy Awards.
On the downside, my self-imposed exile in the middle of the year took some getting over. Call it a crisis, depression, whatever, but in essence, I kind of burnt out early in the year, and certain events and individuals made it less than thrilling to come back.

That’s all behind me though, and 2007 is looking interesting to say the least. I start the year in Christchurch, with an upcoming season at the Repertory Theatre in the last week of January, then head to the Caribbean for a week onboard, before three weeks in London. But that’s the future, and this is meant to be about the past….

2006 was an idiotic year. Overseas, the civil war in Iraq actually became one, with the US Networks naming it as such. Which is a bit like calling a “bushfire” a “heat source” until it actually engulfs your home. No offence to my Victorian friends.
In many ways it’s fitting that the last act of the “War on Terror” for 2006 was the execution of Saddam Hussein. It won’t help, it was dubious legally, and all it really did was make a handful of people, mainly westerners, feel like they’d achieved something, whilst the majority of those truly affected by his regime get no sense of justice, closure, or increased security.

Other events which transpired to lower our collective human I.Q. included: the Avian Flu scare; which at least gave Tamiflu’s manufacturers a reason to pop a cork or two, the Mohammedan cartoon debacle, as newspapers around the world reported on each others insensitivity by publishing the so-called insensitive cartoon, and Islamic fundamentalists gave the Right every justification for calling them and the Left wing media humourless and prone to overreaction; the Pope’s “what have you done for me lately” faux pas, which gave the Left every justification for calling the Right wing media humourless and prone to overreaction, and the rise of Al Gore, which gave the whole world justification for saying maybe he wasn’t as humourless and prone to overreaction as we all thought.

It wasn’t any better down here in the southern wilds. When Jin the Otter and Ian Wishart, lost animals both, get extensive headlines, you know something’s wrong.
Parliamentary, we showed ourselves less of a citystate than a Hamlet; full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Brash fell, Parker rose, Field hung around in some well-tiled limbo, and none of them had a stadium to speak of. The latter, and a recent council proposal to get rid of Auckland inner city billboards should make us all feel better that we won’t have to live like urban savages, either surrounded by iconic sporting venues, like those wretched Melbournians and Cardiff boyos, or horrendous advertising like those poor souls in Times Square and Piccadilly Circus.
The way things are going, I don’t know why we don’t just cut out the middle persons, shut the national grid down and go bush.

There was a lot more, obviously, but let’s leave it at that for now and move on. Those last two words, for me, were conspicuous by their absence in ’06. So to everyone, everywhere, who holds their breath like their grudges, with one eye over their shoulder, eyes front.
I’ve got better things to do.

12/4/2006

2006 NZ Comedy Guild Awards

Nominees Announced

Yep, it's that time again, and cheers to the voters, as I've been nominated for three NZCG Awards:
Best Male Comedian (Alongside Brendhan Lovegrove, Sam Wills and Dai Henwood)
Best MC (with Andre King, Dai Henwood, Andrew Clay)
& Gag of the Year (With Cori Gonzales-Macuer, Brendhan Lovegrove).

See www.nzcomedyguild.org.nz for more info.

11/29/2006

Walid Hassan

US correspondent Bret Rudnick scoops me, again.

I've been trying to find time to write about the story below, but quite frankly I've been struggling, and Bret has said it all. Worth taking a second to consider that while I may bitch about doing so many non-typical shows at this time of year, the alternative sucks. "Kramer" can shut his mouth about being "persecuted", too. So cheers Bret.

STARTS: Comedy has delivered some sad news over the last few days.

As comedians, we often take our (a)vocation for granted. We can pretty much say what we want – and we usually do! We poke fun at pretty much anyone and anything that crosses our path and inspires us to comment on the amusing, the ironic, the insipid, and the obvious. It’s a freedom we exercise frequently, even if we think about it irregularly.

One of us was killed this week for doing what comedians always have done and always will do – commenting (and hopefully being funny while doing so) on the world around us.

For Walid Hassan, his world was Iraq, and specifically, Baghdad. As a comedian, he had been using satire rather than various-manufacture firearms to jibe at anyone and everyone involved in the current Iraqi crisis. Politicians, armed forces, and insurgents from all sides weren’t safe from his commentary. And he himself wasn’t safe from the person or persons who ended his life by shooting him in the head three times.

The worst that happens to us in our secure comedic world is, apart from not being booked, the occasional heckle. I have heard of some comedians being punched or threatened with physical violence in reprisal for a gag not appreciated, but that has been very, very rare.

Comedy has a way of making people listen and understand concepts and situations that they may not be wont to ponder. Offhand, I can’t think of a single topic that can’t be broached with a gag. It may not be very comfortable, and there may be audible groans elicited, but many times I’ve seen groups of diverse people, who would not normally talk about things together, discuss something because a comedian threw a joke out there.

It wasn’t just Mr. Hassan who was killed this week. To a certain extent, expression and opinion itself was also whacked by a person or persons who feared what he had to say so much it was felt he must be permanently silenced for it. Unlike Mr. Hassan, that expression and opinion can rise again – and hopefully will do so in tumultuous fashion.

11/7/2006

LONDON CALLING!

2007 Itinerary taking shape

London Calling! For all of you who are UK based, I'll be visiting in Feb next year, and it'd be great to catch up with as many of you as I can. At this stage I'll be in London on Feb 7th, and probably leaving around the end of the month, depending on a couple of projects here at home. I'll also be looking to fit in as many gigs as possible while I'm over, so if you run any, let me know! I'll be based in London, but more than happy to do some travelling, so get booking, and chill the glasses. See you in '07 Jeremy

10/23/2006

And again...

Longer extract from the below address.

You may need to register to get this one, but it's free, and it's the guardian, so why wouldn't you?

http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/comment/0,,1924943,00.html?gusrc=rss&feed=4

10/20/2006

That's what I was trying to say...

Great link to a story after my own heart

The link below takes you to a recent lecture made by British satirist Armando Iannuci. So if you've ever read some of my more precious, self centered blogs, and wondered what they'd sound like written by someone more eloquent, here's an example. You'll need to cut and paste it into your browser. Enjoy.

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2006/10/18/4572/satire_will_save_us

10/12/2006

Mediocrity Part 2

And no, B, this isn't about you!

Okay, so this standup thing isn’t exactly medicine sans frontieres. But c’mon, could we all at least try and do something good? I’m not talking change the world here, let’s just all take a good long look at what we do onstage and have a wee think.

Think about wether you’re actually doing anything new. Are those new jokes about the minority of the week really pushing in any particular direction except down? Is that piece of “new material” really anything other that a watered down, misspelt version of something you heard someone else do? Is it really enough to rehash ideas, phrases and even punchlines? I know audiences seem not to mind, but that’s because their expectations are low.
Just see what happens when a comic does something that’s actually, you know, good. Watch an original, watch a new idea, and see those tired old titters turn into actual laughs.

Think of it like a restaurant. You order a steak, you get a piece of cooked meat, you aren’t going to complain. It’s what you expected. But are you coming back? On the other hand, you get served a perfectly cooked medium rare organic Angus filet, a hand massaged work of cross grilled art that seems to melt on the knife. You become a convert.

Jokes are the same. You can knock knock all you like, but try thinking outside the average, and this whole industry will benefit as a result.

Bon Appetit.

10/5/2006

BY POPULAR DEMAND

The "Controversial" blog

So here's the blog that somehow got me in trouble last year. Fuck knows how, I stand by it. Part two will follow within the week.

The mediocre will inherit the earth

Not even sure what I want to write here, I just want to say I’m sick and tired of seeing a ton of my friends and peers bastardising their art. You know who you are, I hope. If you want to say what they want you to say, then just take a job working from a script. Hell, that’s what I’ve been doing, I’m the first to admit that. And yes, it has a lot more dignity than just watering down your own thoughts into a milky version of their charter in order to climb the (step) ladder. Thanks for asking.

There are a thousand comedians/musicians/poets/whatever out there like you. Yes, a few of them are huge. Most aren’t. Your point of difference is your difference. Get over your minimal successes and focus on the big picture, don’t get “better” but also less interesting. You aren’t Rove, stop trying to be.

“All my heroes are dead.” Can’t remember who said it, but at least I’m not claiming it as my own. I will add this “All my heroes died in relative obscurity”. Bill Hicks. Mitch Hedberg. Hunter S. Thompson. (Well, compared to John Grisham or Dan Brown.) Far more importantly, they all died original.

Let’s have a new order. Let the mediocre die young, let the doppelgangers drop off prematurely, let the vacuous choke on their own vomit. The truth, people, the truth.

9/22/2006

A Joke Too Far?

Or are we all just a wee bit over-sensitive?

Some of you may have seen a T-shirt floating by with a picture of Hitler saluting and Churchill doing the V-Sign, with the caption "Scissors vs. Paper". Well, it caused a fuss. Link here to see the story http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/sept06/scissors199903.php

Now, how far is this kind of thing going to go? This years Edinburgh Fringe was tainted by several accusations that comedy was becoming increasingly anti-semetic, and in the US comedians who have criticised 9/11, Bush, or the general way in which their nation keeps fucking up have faces censure, most famously in the case of Bill Maher. Now, with this T-Shirt being condemned by Jewish groups as being insensitive, we really have hit a new lateral low. Are we really to believe that even using the image of Hitler, TO MAKE FUN OF HIM, we're crossing some line? There is a quote in the articles along the line "Would you wear this T-Shirt to the Holocaust museum?" Well, no, probably not. In the same way that I wouldn't wear my T-Shirt showing Johnny Cash flicking the bird to a church barbeque. Or possibly, even to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Does that mean I can't wear it anywhere?

Certain groups, and I don't just mean the ADL, would have us erase history, destroying all trace of Hitler or the world before 9/11, for example. How is this any different to denying the Holocaust? These events happened, these people lived, and their legacy is with us wether we like it or not. If we can't take the piss out of them, or study them as genuine history, where does that leave us?

9/11/2006

An eye for an eye

Five years on, and how safe do you feel?

That's right, it's five years today since the big one. The event that has overshadowed our lives ever since - think, when was the last time you read a decent article on world affairs, or saw a full length discussion on television, or heard an interview with an American, any American, without the words "nine" and "eleven" being used? Don't believe me? Try entering "Headlines September 2001" or any suitiable varient into Google. Just give it a shot.

Back? Cool. So, I was going to run a blog on what else went on in the world that month, but you know what? You know what else happened that month? Officially, nothing.

Earlier this year, the official US Military death toll in Iraq overtook the deathtoll from 9/11. An eye for an eye, except I seem to remember that you aren't meant to use your own other eye. And where are we? Are we safer? Has the "War On Terrorism" been won? Has anyone else laughed at the fact that the initials of the above are WOT?

For a start, I hate the fact that people see 9/11 as somehow the beginning of terrorism. I had friends on Pan Am 103 which went down over Lockerbie. I had family in Northern Ireland during the Troubles. I remember Terry Waite, Munich, the Iranian Embassy.... this is nothing new folks, and just like WWII didn't start with Pearl Harbour, this won't end with the seemingly inevitable conflageration in Iran.

Which is why, on a day where we pay tribute to the 2973 official victims of what, may I stress, was a terrible event, I've added the counter at the top of this blog. It counts the civilian dead as a result of military action in Iraq. It should update automatically, but even as it stands today, it makes for a sad read. So as you wave your flags, sing your star spangleds, and wipe the ground zero dust off your Timberlands so your Hummer doesn't get dirty, remember; innocence is only a few blind steps from ignorance, freedom cannot be bought, and justice has a twisted sense of humour.

9/10/2006

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9/8/2006

Un(Sung) Heroes

Reprinted from vitalkiwi

(Un) Sung Heroes With Bob Dylan’s new album, “Modern Times” debuting at number one, thus making him the oldest living person ever to do so, it’s worth having a think about the musos here at home who have kept them coming, flying in the face of the culture of youth, one hit wonders and flash in the pan successes that tend to dominate the charts. Having a hit isn’t easy. Having more than one is harder. Having a career in the music business is something that few people can maintain. Think about it for a minute; you tap into a feeling, trend or moment, and out of that get a number one single. Perhaps it’s a novelty thing, such as “How Bizarre”, or the tip of a wave being generated by your cultural and societal peers, such as, say, Nesian Mystic coming in on the resurgence of Pacifica cultural awareness. Perhaps your particular genre is riding high, and “Trippin’” is the local reflection of a worldwide trend, or perhaps you just get lucky - one particular song from your perhaps extensive output just captures a mood, like in the case of “Not Given Lightly.” None of these reasons are more deserving than any other, as the number of factors that take a particular song out of so many to the top can be as varied and temperamental as the musicians who make them. But try and replicate them, and you’ll quickly find out the reality of the music business - there’s always someone at your heels, doing what you do, but faster. Locally, this all applies, but more so. With a small market, trends move much faster, and the band that was so hot a week ago will be passe by next Monday. Without enough of a grass roots following, your sales won’t stand a chance. Think of it in reality TV terms, if you can - let’s face it, the winners of shows like “Idol” and “Rockstar” are pretty much guaranteed a number one album. Overseas, say in the US, that equates to a hell of a lot of sales, and even if you never sell another disc in your life, and even taking all of the behind the scenes financial pitfalls into account, you’ll be making some serious coin. Here, where Platinum is only 15,000 copies, and most number ones don’t even hit that, you’re talking minimum wage. For a year. It’s hard to maintain a career selling to hardcore fans, when that means your immediate family and a couple of ex-flatmates. Those who do, and have for a significant amount of time, are impressive indeed. More so that Dylan himself in many ways - there are millions out there, myself included, who will at the very least have a listen to anything Mr. Zimmerman puts out, in the unrealistic hope that another “Like A Rolling Stone” is hiding somewhere. And whilst the new album is good, damn good, that isn’t happening. So here’s to our local heroes, who have maintained their status less through a fan base, and more through continually excellent output. How many generations of fans have “discovered” Dave Dobbyn, the Finns, or Chris Knox, and then had their new found adoration confirmed by their back catalogues? How many grateful fans have discovered that the new single that sounds an awful lot like it’s being sung by their old favourites Graham Brazier, Hammond Gamble, Paul Ubana Jones or David Kilgour does so because it is? How many kids have bought Dimmer’s new album, and perhaps had an older sibling have to explain to them who Straitjacket Fits were? Che Fu and Supergroove? The Bats and, uh, The Bats? Here’s to the lot of them, long may they run, and new bands? Get back to you in a decade or two.

9/8/2006

My New Toy

Let's See Where you all are

9/3/2006

Happy Fathers Day

To those who deserve it

Yes, it's a commercial creation. But here's a raised glass to the Fathers, without whom, there would be noone to sell Mother's Day cards to.

In particular, here's to the unknown fathers. To the unwitting sires who who have left their mark on the world in human form, and yet who scoff at the ads for hardware and beer on special. Here's to the ones who haven't done anything wrong, yet. To the Dad's who haven't somehow pissed off their kids, because they don't even know they exist. To the fathers who haven't had a chance to screw things up, who haven't left, missed a performance, forgotten a game, ignored a plea or taken unfair opinion, simply for the fact that they've yet to cross paths with the ones who judge.

Your time will come, if you haven't already.

8/17/2006

I'm Back

In case anyone noticed I'd been gone...

I didn’t go far, actually. I’ve been taking some downtime since the end of the NZ Festival, half by choice, half through illness, and in the way these things so often do, the conspiracy of the two actually forced me to take just about as much time as I needed. Here’s to the flu, eh?

It’s been, quite frankly, a relief to step back from comedy for a while. Like any other industry, I guess, there are some parts of ours which just become a pain in the ass after a while, especially when you’re dealing with them 7 nights a week, during festivals. Having a string of nights in which noone is trying to tell you a joke, their own or “one you can use if you like mate”; having several weeks without someone trying to point out what you’re doing wrong, or ask how to do it right; going nearly a month without having to justify some fucking thing or other in your set, to people who should really know better. Quality time, with relaxing pastimes like, I dunno, watching a war break out. You know.

Accountants have it easy.

But now I’m back, and gigging again, and looking ahead to where and what I want to do next. Any ideas, please get in touch! . Just kidding. I will be touring in the months ahead, so watch this space, and then launching a yet-to-be-titled new hour long show on the festival circuit, starting at the Christchurch Buskers Festival in January. I may even pass a hat.

8/15/2006

REVIEWS!

A bit belated, these, but there you go....

Show Review Jeremy Elwood – Rock plus Roll by Colin Flaherty - The Groggy Squirrel, Melbourne, Australia While the title may suggest it would be another one of the many musically themed shows in this year's festival, it is in fact a brilliantly executed show of stand up with a bit of music thrown in.

In a recent addition to the show, Jeremy invited a fellow Kiwi by the name of Sam Wills to open the show for him. Sam performed a series of stunts for both our repulsion and entertainment. We witnessed feats ranging from a setting off a Party Popper in his mouth to passing his body through the head of a tennis racquet. Although these stunts are the usual fare for most modern street performers, Sam executed them with a fantastic sense of humour that made them his own. His Show Stopper was definitely the "Human Clothesline" that involved his nasal cavity, a rubber string and two volunteers.

Hailing from the other side of the Tasman, Jeremy has based his show on the "Us verses Them" attitude that has become so prevalent in recent times. He not only points out the stupidities in the world, he also offers some suggestions as to how we can change our thinking and possibly change the world around us.

Jeremy covered a fairly broad spectrum of issues that included terrorism, religious conflict, drugs, alcohol, the New Zealand way of life, football codes and relationships. Despite some of the male orientated topics, it was never blokey and quite universal in its' appeal.

A several points during his stand up, Jeremy picked up his guitar and belted out an original song that nicely summed up a topic he was discussing. "My God's bigger then your God" aptly summed up his attitude towards religious hatred and the wars it created. His priceless interpretation of the many "love as an illness" songs was full of the most horrendous diseases ever compared to a person in love.

Mr. Elwood also did a bit of improvised musical work by including the details of two audience members (we had Sarah the Receptionist and Vaughn the Solicitor) into a song about a rendezvous. Although it could have easily been simply a matter of plugging the details into a set formula, he then pushed it even further by taking suggestions for musical styles he could take the song into.

It was nice to see that he had taken the time to include many local references into the material, so it was dead simple for the predominately Australian audience to relate. I found it interesting that he often included a "we" reference when speaking about Australia and our attitudes, thus demonstrating that Aussies and Kiwis have had a similar experience in relating to the rest of the world.

Jeremy has a great stage persona which is friendly with just a hint of frustration with the world. Think of him as a less grumpy Matt Elsbury. The audience quickly warmed to him and was very receptive to his socially aware humour. It was easy to see why he is a celebrated performer back home.

HE IS GOOD! Jeremy Elwood in ROCK PLUS ROLL 8pm at Bodega 101, Wellington Until 3 Jun 2006 [1hr]

Reviewed by John Smythe, 2 Jun 2006, www.theatreview.org.nz

He got the title off the t-shirt he was wearing, he reckons, when he filled in the registration form for this Comedy Festival gig. The publicity spiel also sounded, I imagine, like a good idea at the time.

But it's not "an exploration of all the things we fail to achieve, all the things we grow up trying to grow out of, all the things we pretend we no longer like to do ..." Does it matter? Jeremy Elwood warms up with a couple of topical gags and interactions with the audience that winkle out the demographics and allow him to riff on cultural imperatives.

The substantive stuff is observations on "shit that we're scared of", building up to a provocative song called 'Our God's Bigger than Your God'. Fundamentalism segues into modern society's killjoy fears around drinking and smoking which resolves in his metaphor song, linking love to a range of terminal diseases.

Improvisation gets a great run too, with a love ballad combining random elements offered by two very different audience members and delivered in a series of audience-requested musical genres. Truly excellent!

Australian racism gets a good going over, as does small party politics ... His finale is an oldie but a goodie: 'Everybody Needs Someone to Hate'. Jeremy makes it look so easy - performing I mean, not hating, although his tirade at women for being ultra critical of male traits then bonking the bastards is very convincing. It has to be acknowledged such facility can only come with years of practice and application. He is good!

As for that title, yeah. Turns out it's all about how very diverse things can come together to make something else again that's great, in and of itself. Fair call. Think about it.

COMEDY OF FEAR AND HATRED Jeremy Elwood in ROCK PLUS ROLL Jeremy Elwood Reviewed by Kate Ward-Smythe, 25 May 2006, www.theatreview.org.nz

Jeremy is one of New Zealand's most enduring solid stand-up comedians. One of his trademarks is political satire. If you're not up to date with local, national and international politics, you will be after an hour with him (though if you're not remotely interested in current affairs, you may spend some of the show lost.)

Jeremy's other strength comes from his bitter-sweet songs, though ironically, the biggest laughs of the evening came from the improvised straight-up love song, conceived and performed brilliantly, from names and musical genres offered by the audience. Phillippa and Trevor's story left the entire crowd impressed and applauding Jeremy's skill and quick wit, as he segued easily from hip-hop to reggae to hard rock. Imagine Paul Kelly playing Theatresports and you get the picture.

From the top of the show, Jeremy's experience and professionalism is clear. Latecomers are heckled (with taste), the audience is welcomed, we get to know each other, Jeremy introduces the theme of his show, then topical issues are lampooned.

Issues include reactions to global terrorism; religion via song: "My God's Bigger Than Your God"; obesity, smoking, drugs and war, alien abductions, and exploding lattes.

Rock plus Roll is a well-oiled machine - as well it should be, given that Jeremy's performed it in Adelaide and Melbourne before Auckland. But this familiarity allows him to explore and ad-lib, and he does so with confidence.

Jeremy knows his crowd, but just to check, by clap-o-meter, we establish the make-up of tonight's audience is white, heterosexual and largely secular. He's playing on home turf and he's comfortable with that. Occasionally he almost becomes preachy, but avoids doing so with enough self-awareness to say: "The next bit is pure public service" (and the stand-up will return in a moment).

While Rock plus Roll is a new show, some old material is thrown in - it works, it's fine, and when surrounded by Jeremy's fresh questions to theme the show, it makes for an easily digestible evening.

So, what is the theme? We fear too much in today's world? There is much to fear in today's world? Hatred and prejudice are the root of all evil? I'm not sure we are left with a definitive answer, or that the themes matched those in the festival programme... I'm not sure it matters. There are no answers - we're all human. I guess that's the point.

6/16/2006

TIME Out

Death is not the End

The latest cover of TIME magazine, depicting the death of Abu Mousab al-Zarqawi, has pushed this issue beyond the pale. As in most western journalism, this event has been depicted in their pages as a “positive development” and “a welcome boost” to the War on Terror. ,br>
Have we forgotten that there are human beings involved in this “war”? Putting al-Zarqawi aside for one moment, there were several civilians killed alongside him. Do they get their own cover?
?
If the US is attempting to win a hearts and minds victory, then trumpeting this death is surely the last thing they need to do. Al-Zarqawi was a criminal, of that there is no doubt. But how would the US react if a criminal in, say, Los Angeles, was assassinated by means of an airstrike? And surely, by celebrating his demise like we would a safari kill, we are falling into every cliche of the Great White Hunter; treating anyone other than himself as subhuman, and as a result creating future dissidence with every word.

Imagine if George W. Bush was assassinated. Would TIME publish his portrait on it’s cover, crossed out with red paint, (or was it meant to be blood?), seeing as, for right or wrong, there are just as many people worldwide who would celebrate his death as much as the West seems to be celebrating al-Zarqawi’s. Or is it simply that those who pick the wrong side give up their right to life, and death, with dignity?

6/8/2006

We Live In Seditious Times

Be Afraid

After several months of making fun of the new Australian laws on sedition, what should happen, but I put on the news tonight, and find out that we’re charging someone with it here.
Tim Selwyn, the idiot who attacked Helen Clark’s office with an axe over the Foreshore and Seabed issue last year, has, thanks to a flyer he left at the scene encouraging others to commit “similar acts of civil disobedience”, become the first person in at least 30 years to be charged with sedition in New Zealand.

So what is it? Sedition can be defined as “encouraging acts of violence against the government”. And it is a worry. In Australia, everyone from politicians to protesters, commentators to comedians are justifiably concerned about this vaguely worded crime reappearing as part of the so called War on Terror. In theory, anyone who says anything about anyone in the government which could be construed as inciting violence or insurrection, could be jailed. For example, if I write something here like “John Howard should be lynched for crimes against humanity”, I’m technically breaking the law.

See how easy that was?

Here, it transpires that the maximum sentence is two years in prison.

In this particular case, a man who printed a leaflet suggesting others should follow his lead and chuck an axe through an empty office’s front window, could spend the next 24 months meeting new, tattooed people. Do I support his cause? No. See above, the guy’s an idiot. However, next time I get on a stage and suggest a member of our government should be force fed the entire text of their last member’s bill until they choke on it, I’d like to think I won’t be facing hard time.

Speaking of that, now there’s a story on about Maori anti - smoking groups protesting the use of Maori designs on cigarette lighters.

As a smoker myself, I can understand; the number of times I’ve lit up ONLY because I happened across a lighter with a cultural symbol on it cannot be emphasised. Sure, I may have been trying to quit, but the lighter was just so pretty, and I wouldn’t want to seem racist by NOT using it.

Let’s buy the lot, and burn down the beehive. See you in court.

5/26/2006

Been a while...

Auckland

Well, the show rolls on. Three shows down in Auckland, two to go, then Wellington with a one night stand in Dunedin this Sunday. And then, blissful nights off. It's been a long haul, folks, and I'm looking forward to a break. All this gigging every night nonsense, maybe I'm in the wrong job. Or not.

Not sure if it's the venue up here, but in comparison to Oz the crowds have been quieter, although larger. It may be the shitty weather, the cold-ish room, and the size of the venue, or it may be me, who knows. All I'm saying is, if you're coming to the show, feel free to be louder! Feedback has been great, but.
Quick note, the Wellington venue (101 @ Bodega), is a lot smaller, so book now, it's filling up fast!

4/19/2006

Melbourne

And here we go again

Sorry it's been so long, but I've been a little busy. Opened the Melbourne season of "Rock Plus Roll" last week, and despite a few teething problems at the venue (read pissed office function and three jug guzzling punks who thought they'd "contribute" throughout Thursday's previews - quick pointer for anyone coming to any comedy show, ever. You aren't helping, Shut the fuck up.) things are going okay.

Funny, but I never thought about it until I arrived. This is my first full overseas festival on my lonesome - in the past I've done two handers or showcases in addition to solo shows - and it's a different experience. This is why we go slowly mad, especially after a 7pm show in a room with no other acts on. I have way too much time to "relax". So anyone passing through Melbourne, get in touch, and save me from myself!

4/1/2006

Phase Two

And the beat goes on.

Well, back in NZ, briefly. In Wellington all this week, then into the fray that is Melbourne. Tickets for that show are available at Ticketmaster, and for the NZ seasons at Ticketek in Auckland and Wellington. More to say as the days continue...

3/21/2006

Do you wanna be in my gang...

Cause I don't

Watching, and hearing, different items of news tonight, takes me back to primary school. Watching the fights break out between rival bike gangs at the kickboxing on the Gold Coast, and hearing something much closer to home, all I can ask is, have you people never grown up?

C'mon. take a side. Fuck it, while you're there, build a tree hut, make up a password, and (hell, we're being good little scouts, right?) make badges.

Why have an informed opinion when there are so many out there ready to wear? Because nothing screams confidence, belief in one's abilities and self esteem more than joining a club. Just ask Gary Glitter.

3/14/2006

Stage one complete

And cheers, Adelaide

Well, that's one season down, three to go. Adelaide has been a blast, and I'm feeling well and truly rejuvenated by the whole experience.

It's great to feel itchy on nights off again, rather than reluctant to go to a gig. Because at the end of the day, what I'd been on the brink of forgetting is that this is meant to be fun! (Cheers Micky D, you did my head in, in a good way!) There's too many of us who see this as a job first, and a pleasure second. I've been leaning towards that for too long. This festival has made me remember that all that matters is what you say, and that you enjoy saying it. The rest is all bullshit.
And it shows. There's nothing more depressing than watching a comic trot out the same old crap for the money. Watching someone who is having a good time, on the other hand, wether it be riffing off a crowd or just taking delight in getting their own thoughts off their chest, is a privilege, both for the audience and the performer. There's been plenty of both here, but it's the latter acts I'll thank years from now.

What a difference it makes, too, to have a city which enjoys its festivals. Adelaide locals have been out in force, and the vibe is there because of them. Auckland could learn a lot, mainly that we should be grateful to have arts in town, not think that somehow we deserve it.

And now to Melbourne. Bring it on!

3/5/2006

EXTRA SHOW!

Just Added

I will be doing one extra show here in Adelaide -

Thurs March 9th, 11:15pm
Chandelier Room, Freemasons Hall, Nth Terrace
Tickets from Fringetix.

3/1/2006

Thanks, Adelaide

You like me, you really like me.

Hate to say it, but my presumptions of the opening night review were wrong. Turns out they dug the show, to the tune of 4 stars. The review will be posted on this site soon, and is also readable on http://www.theadvertiser.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5936,18287386%255E5003201,00.html

However, festivals have a wonderful way of bringing you back down to earth. May I say to the 6 people who came to the show last night, cheers! Now go find some mates....

2/28/2006

Getting there

And coming through

SO far, so good! Great audiences, always like to have more people, but the feedback has been great! (Check www.talkfringe.com if you don't believe me).

2/26/2006

Opening Night Two

The aftermath

You haven't done a fringe festival until you've been on at 2am after a lip synching drunk faux-lesbian stripper burlesque act. Trust me.

Opening has been and gone. And in case the reviewers actually were there, let me beat them to the punch. It ran short, I was over-conscious of trying to please, and a bit all over the place. But they laughed, which isn't a bad start.

2/25/2006

Explain to me why we do this again?

Opening Night

What a truly insane way to make a living. Opening night is 4 hours away, and I'm feeling like pouring a bottle of adsinthe down my throat and going all Van Gogh on my ears. That way I wouldn't be able to hear the audience, and it won't bother me if they don't laugh. Opening nights are bad enough, but at this stage my audience looks like it's made up predominantly by media, awards judges, and fellow comics. Dear god, why do we do this to ourselves.

2/24/2006

Adelaide Day 2

One down...

Did my first gig of the fest last night, at the Rhino Room late show. MC'd by Charlie Pickering, (whose show "Betterman" I finally saw after missing it in at least two festivals - highly recommended!), and featuring amongst others Justin Hamilton, Tom Gleeson, and the sheer brilliance of Greg Fleet, it was a perfect kick off to the whole scenario. Fleety in particular - jesus, why do the rest of us bother sometimes? From Brokeback Mountain to Munich to the new Australian National Anthem, just 20 minutes of some of the funniest shit I've seen in years.

So far so good, then. There's a good feeling here, the city seem to be right behind the festival, and the vibe is right. Bring on opening night.

2/23/2006

Adelaide

Day One

Arrived in South Australia for the first time yesterday. Like the Emirates ads say, when was the last time you did something for the first time, or in my case, when was the last time I went somewhere for the first time. Other than Hunterville.

Safely ensconsed in an apartment that makes me think of episodes of "The Shield", (little courtyard, overhanging native trees), we venture into Festival Land today. And try and sell a few tickets.....

2/20/2006

Vital Kiwi 20.02.06

Reprinted

DUB DUB BULLETS

New Zealand music. Aren't we doing well. Well, yes. Except, um, a lot of it sounds the same. No really. Someone has to say it. Fat freddy's trinity of black seed roots may be katching fire, but my ears aren't. My wandering eye isn't flying, my pretty, no matter how much I bathe in the river to rid myself of the salmonella.
Is it a coincidence, do you think, that UB40 are touring here soon? Or is it that we're the only country left that hasn't seen through their white bread, fibreless reggae to the failed falsetto cover artists beneath?
How many fifteen minute breakless jams can we sit through? How many three hour chill out albums, eight hour live multi instrumental circle jerks, two tone brass sections and guitar 101 upstroke rhythms must we endure?

When New Zealand put out its first faux reggae hits, we were pleasantly nonplussed. What the hell, we're a summer nation of mixed races, we can handle the odd two step, right? Well, that was Herbs. Twenty odd years on, we think we've reinvented the wheel, and the programmers are lapping it up. These days any white guy with a tattoo, or brown guy (tattoo optional) can have a hit with an early Specials tab chart and a tri tone.

We need to get over it. Sure, there's nothing particularly offensive about these bands, but then again, there kind of is. There is something vitally disturbing about the same beat, the same tune, the same meaningless lyrics being repeated over and over, on the same album. That's the reason we take the piss out of boy bands, remember?
Ask for more. I know you can't ALL love swaying in time for twenty minutes, but it just isn't cool to say so. Back up. Slow up. Shut up.

OZ BOUND
I'm heading to Adelaide this week, for the Fringe festival. Music wise, I'm not sure how much I'll see, but there are a couple of gigs I'll be hanging out to get to. Mick Thomas, formally of "Weddings Parties, Anything" will be playing the Speigeltent, and Richard Thompson, formally of "Fairport Convention", is playing one of the main halls. What they have in common is uncommon songwriting skills, and a general anonymity amongst the wider public. Thompson's recent albums have barely broken the surface, as far as Shannon and Matty are concerned, yet he continues to be Britain's premier guitarist, particularly on the acoustic front. And Thomas, with his new(ish) band "The Sure Thing" continues to crank out unforgettable melodies and lyrics like the balladeer he was born. And you can almost guarantee there'll not be a "chink hup" guitar in sight.

2/16/2006

Shot through the Heart

And You're to Blame

The second in command of the greatest army on earth can't tell the difference between a quail and a pensioner. Much like Bush Snr couldn't tell the difference between a Quayle and a Vice President. What a wonderful story this is. And what an amazing spin I've just seen on Fox News.

They're pushing an issue, a human rights issue; that we should all get off the VP's back, and ask how he's feeling. After all, he's just accidentally hurt another human being. He must be in shock.

Well, if he is, it's shell shock. This is the same man who was deeply entrenched in Vietnam under Nixon, who has pushed for increased intervention in Iraq, in the original carpet bombing of Afghanistan, in the upcoming (you read it here first) aerial bombardment of Iran. If he's going into shock from accidentally shooting a civilian, then that's probably what's kept his heart going all these years.

2/9/2006

Freedom of the Press

Not of the Presses

The Cartoon Affair continues to spread it's way around the world; more papers, more protest, more funerals. It seems almost ridiculous, but actually the issue goes directly to the heart of the idealogical conflict that is ruling our century - and I don't mean the issue of religious satirical tolerance.

No, when the Dominion Post and Press newspapers here decided to publish, they hid behind the "freedom of the press". Actually, the Dom hid behind the phrase "we're going to test the tolerance of Islam", but then realised that was as stupid an idea as, say, testing the tolerance of christianity, so retreated behind the old F of P.
This is blind western cynicial capitalism at it's finest. Freedom of the press is adknowledging that the original Danish publication of these cartoons caused offence, but supporting their right to publish. Standing behind the publishers, and against the protests, under the assumption that the original publishers had the right to take the risk. It does not extend to re-publishing these cartoons, four months later, in order to cash in on the ensuing chaos for financial gain.

'Cause that's what they're doing, you know. Why, otherwise, would you annouce you were going to do it? Why do it at all? To illustrate a story? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that how this mess got started in the beginning?

Don't get me wrong, I support the original production of these cartoons; in the same way that I would support any comedian's right to take the piss out of whatever they feel like. If some one wants to get up and make fun of Mohammed, all power to them. However, whilst I'll defend their right to make a joke, I'll also not stoop to repeating that joke in order to get a follow on laugh, or a paycheck.

1/31/2006

Hot Town

Summer in The City

God damn but it's humid. Michele A'Court has a line that compares Auckland in Summer to Menopause. I concur, out of ignorance, but I'd offer my own variation. Auckland in summer is like Malaria.

I'm specifically thinking of the image of Kurtz in Heart of Darkness, (or Apocalypse Now, if you didn't do English at uni), stinking in his own sweat, plagued by waking nightmares and dripping with hubris. I sit here, waiting for the night to fall and the humidity to drop to a level that allows my snow blind brain to function.

I grew up in extreme climates; extreme heat and cold in Canada, extreme mundanity in the U.K. However, the new extreme of high and low pressure is a (relatively) new thing for me. I've lived in Auckland for 6 years now, and I think the novelty of having a difference between gray and wet gray has worn off. What I wouldn't give for a thunderstorm, a Southerly, a flash flood.

Maybe the same goes for life beyond the weather channel. I don't know. But I would like some movement one way or the other - let it rain, let it parch, but let it do something. Let the heavens open, and let the detrius be washed away by some almighty purge. Or let the whole thing stagnate, and let the new breed rise. Either way, it has to better than the muggy, stagnating day to day that is now.

All together now: the horror....the horror.

1/24/2006

The Year That Was

Reproduced for Vital Kiwi Jan 2006

Vital Kiwi 23rd Jan 2006 2005 is well over by now, but seeing as I haven’t written for these pages for a while, let’s look back and see what changed.

Local music seemed to continue it’s upward swing, with both album sales, concert attendances and general public and professional awareness keeping it in the front line. The music awards showcased a strong, diverse scene, with the success of acts as disparate as The Checks, Da Feelstyle, Breaks Co-op and Dave Dobbyn proving that whatever “kiwi” music is, it’s a wide pallette.

On the small screen, high local content on C4, Juice, and newcomer Alt TV meant we could see, as well as hear, our homegrown talent. From videos to live gigs to soundtracks (the observant amongst you will have heard Pluto’s “Long White Cross” running behind promos for the new TV3 mini-series “Doves Of War”), local programming seems to have finally cottoned on to the fact that local producers are putting out a higher level of content than re-runs of the “Jesus I Was Evil” video deserves. In particular, I’d like to congratulate C4 and National Radio for their recorded broadcasts of Shihad and Straightjacket Fits gigs, respectively. Also, the ambitious “Return of Fly My Pretties” project proved beyond doubt that concerts can be more than the traditional corner of the pub set up.

Much of this can be attributed to the rapid ascent of affordable digital technology, and the speed of communication that this entails. The fact that a band such as The Checks can sign a deal, get a touring contract, and break the UK market without even releasing an album is a stunning testament to the global shrinkage that such technology has brought about.

The same goes for local recordings. Turnover is high, with bands releasing new material more quickly, and of a higher sound quality, than was ever before possible.
Capturing a band’s sound live has always been tricky, but the aforementioned projects, and others, show that it’s getting easier every year, not least thanks to a new generation of highly skilled sound recordists. So not too shabby all round, then. There are still issues; noise control, touring costs (excess baggage on domestic airlines deserves it’s own chapter at a later date), and in certain areas media support still need addressing, but in general terms, local music is in fantastic shape, and the year ahead will be well worth listening to.

All Hail The ACC

One thing I’ve stopped complaining about, in the last three weeks at least, is the issue of ACC levies. As a self employed business, all musicians and performers (the ones who pay their taxes, at least) are liable to be hit with levies as both employer and employee. Now, I still don’t think that’s fair, but as I’ve recently discovered, it could be much, much worse.

In late February, I head to Adelaide to start the first of two festival seasons across the ditch in 2006. As usual, this involves hiring a venue, arranging publicity, paying registration fees and levies to ticketing agencies, and a myriad of other, foreign exchange enhanced costs that make the whole thing pretty much a zero sum game. However, in the past few years, one significant change has come into effect. It’s called Public Liability Insurance.

Basically, this is an American style invention, to cover your ass. In most cases, you cannot hire a venue without taking out P.L.I. in the event that something happens to an audience of venue staff member, and they sue you. In other words, if a light falls on someone, if they get pissed and stage dive into an empty space, if the floor is too heavily waxed... it’s your fault.
And how. In Adelaide, for example, I’m required, as part of my venue hire agreement, to take out coverage for up to $10 Million per claim. And it ain’t cheap.
On top of the other costs, having to fork out nearly $600 in case some twat decides that the alcohol poisoning he got at my show was the result of my comments on drinking culture, puts the risk up to second mortgage proportions.
So next time you get your bill for a few hundred bucks, which covers you in the event of anything happening to you, your band, your audience, and potentially your pets, take a deep breath and calm down. Like human rights, sportsmanship and indigenous rights, the grass is a lot browner on the other side.

Review - Minna (E.P.)

Following on from the comments above on the opportunities presented by affordable technology and talented soundsmiths, this is a local recording put together in record time by a few like minded individuals. More of a demo than a release per se, the three tracks on this disc are designed to showcase their performer, but the result is also a success in displaying the production talents behind it.

Minna is an Aussie born singer songwriter, who recently arrived in New Zealand after several years in the U.K. As such, there is no mistaking the influence of similarly minded women from both those countries. You can hear a bit of KT Tunstall here, a slice of Missy Higgins there, a touch of PJ Harvey hovering somewhere in the background.
Produced by Gramsci guitarist/co-producer David Holmes, his influence is everywhere, with the restrained layering and power backing that made “Like Stray Voltage” one of my albums of last year, regardless of country of origin.

Track one, “Wish I Knew” puts Minna in a Kelly Clarkson mood, revealing a rock ballad that wouldn’t seem out of place in an episode of the 4400. “Your Eyes” continues the theme, with delay laden guitar lines backing a swaying melody, supporting harmonies and another verse/chorus/instrumental bridge structure that carries a certain familiarity, whilst not actually sounding derivative. Perhaps a little too close to the opener for a demo, but Minna certainly has an ear for a chorus. To my own ears the simplicity of both of these tracks which works for them musically, lets them down on a lyrical level. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing here that will make you wince, but there’s not a lot you’ll be quoting in your next UN address either. Then again, I’m a Tom Waits fan.
Track three is where things get more interesting. Minna’s voice manages to sound both more ambitious and more relaxed on “When You’re Gone”, opening up a range hitherto underutilised. The production is seamless, denser and more supportive than the previous tracks, although in all fairness, the harmonic structure here does give Holmes more to work with. As a demo, this is the attention grabber. As a release, this is the single, and as such should perhaps open the disc, rather than close it? Either way, you leave this short introduction to Minna’s work feeling pretty optimistic about her future.

On that theme, as a demo, the quality of this recording is more than a cut above the usual fare. Holmes has done a remarkable job of cramming not quite a wall, but at least a partition, of sound into what are essentially three pop songs. As a result, Minna’s songwriting and vocal abilities are ably supported on the first two thirds of the disc, whilst the last track gives a hint of what she will be capable of when given the right push.
Whatever happens from here, this is as good a place to start as any.

For more information email Minna at info@minxrecordings.com

1/11/2006

Setting the record straight

AS you do...

Well, here I was thinking noone read this stuff. Thanks for putting me right. In the last week, I’ve been pulled up on two of my blogs, which, in terms of hit rate, isn’t too bad.

To deal with them both, firstly, I may have been a little over eager in calling Green Day’s “American Idiot” the ablum of the century to date. Not that I didn’t mean it at the time, but that I’ve seen the new DVD, and the whining tone of “we’ve made a work of art” does do my head in a bit. Still a good album, though, and yep S., I’m still going to buy the Libertines!

The other one I won’t go into, although the sharp eyed of you may notice it’s missing from the site now. I deleted it, not to concede a point, but to make one. What do we have against anger in this country? Why do we applaud self deprecation, celebrate self parody, but feel feel to ignore or rail against self abuse, or fury at our deprecation by others? I’m pissed at the way certain things have gone, and that doesn’t mean I think I’m immune, or superior. You can hate a war from the trenches, just as you can from behind the barricades.
In a simple format, to avoid any unnecessary confusion, here’s what pisses me off:
Wilful ignorance
Feigned stupidity
Toleration of mediocrity
Repetition for gain
Untested arrogance
And yes, I’m guilty of more than all of the above, especially the last. I’ll live with it, if you do.

1/5/2006

I'm Joining Angels Instead?

The Ego wants landing.

"It could be definitive proof that comedy really is the new rock and roll –Robbie Williams says he wants to quit music to become a stand-up.

He believes following in the footsteps of his father Peter, who once worked as a comedian, might help dispel the image of him as a depressive plagued by demons off-stage." - Chortle.co.uk

Yeah, cause Comedians are never haunted. We never have demons hiding behind the gags. That's why so many comics live long, expressive happy lives.

12/27/2005

Merry F$%#ing Christmas

To Y'all

Nearly there. Nearly over the year of upheavals, both natural and man made, of weather and weathering, of a year in which the new scary creature wasn't a gorilla, but a chicken with a runny nose. A year in which war continued, peace took a back seat sleep, and comedy took what it was thrown. I had a good one, on paper.

First up, farewells. We lost too many of the extended family in '05. In chronological order: